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Let’s face it, we are all a little self-centered. We worry about how we look, how much money we make, where our lives will go, what others think of us...you name it. Our concerns for others rarely outweigh our concerns for ourselves.
I am no stranger to selfishness and self-centeredness. I want my way. I don’t want to be inconvenienced. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
Unfortunately, that’s just not how life works...especially when you are a mom.
LIFE AS A MOM
In the morning when I just want a few extra minutes to wake up or get ready, my daughter needs me to come get her out of bed.
Sometimes when I just want to finish my meal in peace, I have to stop three times in the course of 5 minutes to redirect my toddler.
If my husband and I try to have a conversation, she demands our attention and we forget what we were even talking about in the first place.
To be honest, it can be really frustrating. Oftentimes it feels like my life is controlled by a tiny monarch in diapers. For someone who doesn’t really like to be told what to do, it can be a big struggle, but that's motherhood.
Here’s the thing though...my daughter is just a kid. She needs me to change diaper after diaper. She needs me to get down on the floor and play with dolls. She needs me to patiently redirect her when she disobeys or acts out. She needs me.
God has given me this role of “Mama,” and even on the days I don’t love hearing that shouted again and again, it is now part of who I am. And now that we are adding two more kiddos to our family, it will be even more a part of who I am.
Sometimes that means I can’t finish my dinner in peace. It might mean I need to spend less time scrolling through my phone and more time playing hide and seek or ring-around-the-rosie. Sometimes it means that quality time with my husband is hard to come by.
IT HASN'T BEEN EASY
I’ll be honest though, motherhood hasn't come easily to me. At least, not as easily as I thought it would. I envisioned myself as being so patient, so understanding, so ready to help. Instead, if I'm honest, I often find myself frustrated, impatient, worn thin, and counting down the minutes until the next time I get to be alone. (Anyone with me?) The mom I am is a far cry from the mom I imagined myself to be or that I hope to someday become.
You see, motherhood requires sacrifice. Motherhood calls me away from my self-centered default and into something much more challenging, but also much more sanctifying.
I won’t pretend being a mother is the only role that involves sacrifice. Having (or adopting) a kid doesn’t just make you some sort of saint or martyr. Everyone has their own sacrifices they are called to make.
However, this season of having a toddler has involved more sacrifice than I ever really imagined (or hoped) it would. Sometimes, I ignore the sacrifices I should be making. Other times I rail against them. But I find that the times I submit to the sacrificial role in front of me, and choose to do it joyfully, I am most content.
Which reminds me of a quote I read recently in Anne of Green Gables:
“It's been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will.”
Anne, faced with the rejection of the family she longed for, was still able to find joy in her day because she chose to. She didn't want to miss out on all of the beauty around her because by focusing on the negative things going on.
I HAVE A CHOICE
In the same way, I have the choice to enjoy motherhood. Yes, there will be sacrifices. Yes, it will be hard. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. In fact, even through some of the hardest moments of my first year of motherhood, there was so much joy sprinkled throughout.
We danced in the kitchen. We shared holiday traditions. We chased bubbles in the wind. We sang Frozen songs at the top of our lungs. We got soaking wet at the splash pad. We went on long walks. We had family movie nights. We said sorry and gave hugs.
We had so many moments I cherish.
Sure, I could easily rattle off a list of all of the most difficult moments as well, but they were also the moments that pushed me to love my daughter unconditionally. They put in perspective the love God has for me, his child who doesn't want to listen and constantly wants her way.
If there is anything parenthood has taught me, it is about the sacrificial love of God. We, his children, constantly disobey Him, demand our own way, and inevitably run back to Him when something bad happens. Sound familiar? Basically, we are spiritual toddlers. And God is our patient, loving Father always there waiting to redirect us and show us the way.
Being a mom has opened my eyes to that aspect of God's character. My prayer is that God will give me His heart for my children, because I have received so much grace from Him. I want to put aside selfishness and put on sacrificial love...I know I can only do that by His grace, following His example.
Motherhood truly gets sweeter to me with every passing day, and I know that is because God is slowly refining me...sanding down my rough edges of self-centeredness and showing me how to love my children well. I know this next season is going to be a time of even more refinement as we add two more (awesome) kids to our family, so for now I'm enjoying the peaceful inbetween and reflecting on all God has already done in my heart.
Here's to all of you moms! Keep at it. Find the joy.
-Katie