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Sometimes it felt like we would never really adopt. How were there so many kids in need of homes, yet we were not being chosen?
After all, the idea of adoption had already been growing in my heart for a few years before we were even able to start pursuing it. Then, we went through the grueling and slightly invasive process...hours of training, home visits, prepping a room, and filling out a lot of paperwork.
After we got our license, we heard back quickly about one potential match, but it fizzled out and we never heard back. Then there were months of silence. Sure, we heard about kids, but we knew it was unlikely we would be chosen for the first few we heard about.
I remember asking so many people who had adopted with our agency about their adoption timelines. In my head, I calculated the average time they waited...well, if our wait followed the average, it was possible we would have a child in our home around Christmastime!
I imagined a first Christmas with my child...decorating the tree, wrapping presents, attending a Christmas Eve service, etc.
But Christmas came and went and we were still a family of two. We had a lovely Christmas, but it was hard for it not to feel a bit emptier than previous years.
It’s funny because I always thought that the waiting wouldn’t get to me too much. After all, I had already waited for years to even start trying to adopt. I told myself that I would rather be waiting for our child than just waiting to start the process. However, it was so much more challenging than I thought.
No matter what type of adoption you pursue, the waiting is tough.
When adopting from foster care, you see so many profiles of kids and it’s almost impossible not to fall in love. Some profiles make you weep to see what the kids have experienced...it’s an emotional roller coaster.
If you are adopting an infant, you are constantly wondering if your book is going to catch the eye of an expectant mother. Even when you are matched you don’t know for sure if she will change her mind after going through the emotional and powerful experience of giving birth...it can be scary.
When you adopt internationally, you oftentimes wait years to get the call that says “we found your child.” People might start to wonder if you are ever adopting...and they might even ask you if you changed your mind. It can be incredibly disheartening.
The philosophy of the adoption process is basically “hurry up and wait.”
At the start of the process, you are so busy. You have a role. You need to fill out paperwork, get your house ready, attend the classes, etc. Then, you can do nothing but wait. Wait for the phone to ring. Wait to be chosen.
That part of the waiting was definitely the most challenging for me...I no longer could keep busy and feel like I was moving us closer to our dream of adopting. It was out of my control.
I think with this virus going around, we all feel a little out of control right now. Even more so if you are adopting and the entire process has been halted or slowed down to a crawl. Despite the difficulty of this, I think it’s a good reminder that God is the one who is in control, not us.
However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to ease the longing of waiting to adopt your future child. If you are in the adoption wait, there is hope.
Here are some things I did that really helped me in the time of waiting: (A lot of things on this list could also apply to women waiting and hoping to get pregnant!)
1. Make a list of what you will do once you are matched
Since I am such a future oriented person, I found it both fun and practical to make a list like this. The truth is that once you are matched it can all happen pretty quickly. All of the sudden you go from waiting around to having to scramble to get things ready. This list really helped me remember that we were in fact going to be matched some day, and it also really helped me stay organized once we actually were matched!
2. Make a "bucket list" of fun things to do before you are matched
It is very tempting to spend all of your time waiting just thinking that you will be happier once you are matched with your child. The truth is, once your child moves in with you, you are going to experience some difficult times. You might not be able to do all of the things you once did (especially if you are going to be first-time parents). I made a list of all of the fun things I wanted to do that I knew would be less possible once we had a kid...then I got to focus on enjoying the present instead of always dreaming about the future.
3. Create a tradition you want to start with your family...and don’t wait until you’ve adopted to start it!
My husband and I decided a long time ago that we wanted to have a celebration in our family called “Booksgiving.” Basically, we invite friends over, drink hot chocolate, read poetry, talk about the best books we read in the last year, and then give books to each other. (I have a blog post about it here if you are interested!) We originally thought this would be fun to do when we had kids as a way to help them develop a love of reading. Instead of waiting until we had kids to start, we have been celebrating for a few years! You don’t have to wait until you have kids to have fun family traditions!
4. Write a letter to your future child
When Christmas was right around the corner and we hadn’t been matched. I was sad. I was longing to meet our child, whoever he or she might be. I decided to write a letter to our future child explaining how I already loved them and I could not wait to meet them. It was another way of really special to think that someday my child would read that letter and know how loved they were before we even met them. It also made me feel like my child really would see that letter someday...that the waiting wouldn't last forever.
5. Read books about adoption or parenting
Sometimes while waiting, it helps to feel like you are doing something to prepare. I found it helpful to read books about adoptive parenting to help me feel more equipped for when I actually had a child. And let me say, once your child comes you might not feel like you have time (or the mental/emotional bandwidth) to spend your very little free time reading about parenting. One of my all-time favorite adoption/parenting books is The Connected Child, by Dr. Karyn Purvis. I think every adoptive parent---and maybe just parents in general---should read it! I also found a great devotional book written by and for adoptive moms (even those waiting to adopt!) called Adopted for Daily Life. It has a lot of topical devotional series by moms who have adopted or fostered. I highly recommend doing the devotional on waiting!
6. Watch YouTube videos or listen to podcasts about adoption
If you aren’t as much of a reader, there are plenty of podcasts and YouTube channels with adoption content (mine included). Some good adoption podcasts I have listened to are “The Adoptive Mom Podcast” by Alex Fittin or “Real Life Adoption.”
7. Surround yourself with quotes and Bible verses about waiting
I find words both powerful and comforting. When I was in the depths of feeling like we were never going to be chosen to adopt, I found something that helped me was looking up quotes and bible verses about waiting. I really love some of Morgan Harper Nichols’ poetry art about waiting, like the one on the right. I kept them on my pinterest boards, and wrote them on notecards to use as bookmarks or to hang around my room. It was a great reminder that waiting is a way we can grow, and that God’s timing is perfect.
8. Pray
We live in a world that tells us to "go, go, go" and "do, do, do." Praying, therefore, doesn't seem as important as getting out there and checking off a list. But when you are waiting to adopt, there is very little you can do...other than pray. Pray for your future child. Pray for kids around the nation and around the world who are waiting to be adopted. Pray for kids who have experienced hunger, neglect, and abuse. Pray for ethical adoption practices. Pray for birth parents who have lost rights to their children. Pray for birth parents who have chosen adoption for their kids. Pray for adult adoptees who are still searching for identity. Pray for adoptive families who are in the trenches of working through their children’s trauma. Despite what our culture tells us, time spent in prayer is not wasted time. And believe me, you will need it just as much when your child joins your family.
Remember, friend, that the waiting will not last forever.
“God puts the lonely in families.” (Psalm 68:6)
-Katie
PS: What are ways that you cope with the adoption wait? Tell me in the comments!
