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March 30th is an important day. Not only is it my brother’s birthday, but it also marks a year since our daughter moved in with us and we became a family of 3! It’s hard to believe it has only been a year because it feels like Brielle has always been a part of our lives. It’s hard to imagine life without her!
In the last year, Nick and I have learned so much about being parents...and especially about being parents to an adopted toddler. While all parenting is full of both trials and joys, adopting a toddler has a unique set of challenges. Nick and I learned all about these challenges in the past year, so I thought it would be helpful to share from our experience. If you are considering adopting a toddler, there are some things you should know. (I also made a youtube video about this which is posted below if you prefer to watch it!)
1. It will be harder than you expect
There is a common misconception that when you adopt a toddler, it will be almost the same as if you adopt an infant or if you have a biological kid. After all, they are so young. They won’t remember the loss they experienced, right? Unfortunately, that is not the case. Toddlers (and even infants) who are adopted are affected by the loss of their birth family and caretakers. They also remember more than you realize. For example, our daughter lived with a foster family from the time she was 3 days old until she moved in with us at 18 months old. After 6 months of not seeing her foster mom at all, Brielle saw her at the adoption hearing. When we walked into the courthouse and she saw her foster mom, she ran right up and sat in her lap like no time had passed at all. She remembered her perfectly! This whole time we worried that she might not remember her, and she had not forgotten at all.
2. The grief they feel is real
Although adopted toddlers may not cognitively remember all that happened or who used to care for them (like Brielle did), they will still feel that loss throughout their lives. They just may not realize quite why they feel the way they do. This can cause them to act out, be extremely clingy, reject their adoptive parents, etc. It can be much more difficult than most people realize. Toddlers are in a unique situation where they are too young to understand the concept of adoption, but they are old enough to know that something isn’t right when you take them away from everything they know and don’t bring them back. They are scared, and they are grieving. That grief is going to come out in different ways than for older kids. They might not be able to yell “I hate you!” or “You aren’t my real mom!” or simply say “I miss my birth mom.” However, they might bite, scream, hit, or kick to get their message across.
3. It’s hard to determine the “why” behind their behaviors
The most difficult part about these behaviors, is that you can’t always tell which are a result of adoption grief, and which are just typical toddler behaviors. Toddlers are known for being pretty up and down emotionally, and for testing boundaries and their parents’ patience all at the same time. The problem is that the way we respond to these behaviors with an adoptive toddler are different depending on the reasoning behind them. If your toddler is acting out of their grief, you want to respond with love and reassurance of your bond. If they are just being a disobedient toddler, you want to redirect and give consequences when necessary. If you are anything like me, this will leave you feeling confused and guilty if you react the wrong way!
4. Your reactions are everything
I think this applies for all toddlers, but especially for an adoptive toddler with whom you are still building trust. The way you react to your child’s behaviors, especially the behaviors meant to test you, will tell them how much they can trust you. Toddlers may not understand everything you say to them, but they do pick up on your emotions. If you are angry or upset, they will feel that. It is very important that you have a good poker face, and know how to remain calm in the face of trying behaviors. This is something I am still learning how to do...it definitely does not come easily to me! I know there have been far too many times where I have let my emotions get the best of me when I should have remained calm and collected. I guess those failures are all part of the parenting game!
5. They will be clingier than the average toddler
Imagine having a newborn baby who needs to be held, cuddled, carried, fed, etc. Pretty easy to imagine, since that’s the norm. Now imagine that baby is 30 pounds. Also, imagine that baby who always needs to be with you is able to climb on you, jump on you, hit you, kick you, etc. Sounds a little stressful, right? That is pretty much what it is like when you adopt a toddler. Because you missed out on those early bonding moments with your child, they will probably want to be with you (and probably on you)...all of the time. The separation anxiety is real with adopted toddlers, so don’t be surprised if they freak out even if you stand up to get something, even if you are staying in the same room as them.
6. They will also reject you...a lot
As clingy as your adopted toddler will likely be, it will be 100% on their terms and when they feel like it. It is very likely that your child will reject you just as much as they cling to you. This can happen for many reasons, but usually it’s because they don’t fully trust you yet, they are testing your love for them, or they are trying to protect themselves from being rejected (or, most likely, a combination of all three). Even after a year in our home, our daughter still shows rejecting behaviors, especially towards me when I get home from work each day. I will go up to her, offer a hug and a kiss, and she will run away or pretend like she’s going to hit me and say “No Mommy!” I won’t pretend like it doesn’t sting a little...it hurts! I’ve had to learn how to cope with it and how to respond towards her. It gets a little better all of the time, but it’s not a quick fix.
7. The ways you prepare for the transition to parenting are so important
If there is any advice I could give you about toddler adoption, it is that preparation is absolutely necessary. Although you’ll never be completely prepared for parenting, it’s always better to have some resources than to feel totally lost in the moment. First of all, it is essential that you form a support network around you. Whether it’s your family, your friends, your church community...you need people! People to babysit, people to bring you meals in the first couple of weeks, people to open up to when you are struggling.
Secondly, I think it is incredibly important to learn about adoptive parenting vs. traditional parenting. The two books I found the most helpful are Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best and The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. If you are adopting a toddler, the first one is an amazing resource that I still use now! Lastly, if you have any say in how the adoption transition occurs, I recommend that you try to meet the child several times before taking them home. I realize that in international adoption this is not always possible, but it really does help the child. Your toddler will be very confused, but if they see you a few times and get comfortable with you, it will be an easier transition. It will especially be helpful if they can see you interacting with their current guardian or caretaker to see that you are a safe person.
8. There is a lot you won't know
When you adopt a toddler people will most likely tell you how great it is that you will have a child with “less issues” than an older child. Here’s the thing though, you don’t really know that. At, say, 18 months, most kids haven’t been diagnosed with many conditions. Usually, things like learning delays, autism, and ADD are not diagnosed until later. You also will not know exactly what they experienced before they came to you. Older kids who are adopted can understand what happened to them and may disclose it to their adoptive parents when they feel ready. Toddler's do not have the cognitive skills to do this yet. When you say “yes” to adopting a toddler, a lot could happen down the road that you cannot foresee at this point. Just know that when you adopt a toddler, it does not guarantee an easy journey. You have to be committed to loving and caring for that child no matter what happens! That's what parenting is all about, right?
9. It will be hard, and that’s okay
As you can see, adopting a toddler is not quite as easy as it may seem. There will be nights where you lay in bed crying and feeling like a total failure as a parent. (What parent doesn’t, really?) There will be days where you are so frustrated that you won’t react the way you should. There will be times where you think you can’t tell anyone how you are feeling because they would judge you. If you are like me, you might wonder, “What is wrong with me? Isn’t adopting a baby or toddler supposed to be easier?”
Adopting a toddler is hard. Adoption in general is hard. You are walking into a broken situation, and no matter how much you love your child and want the best for them, they have experienced loss. That loss will reverberate throughout their lives and affect you, the adoptive parent, as well. I want to let you in on a little secret though...all of us (adoptive parents) think it is hard. All of us have struggled to connect with our child or have felt like failures. You are not alone! It is okay if you are feeling this way. In fact, it is normal. It may be a slow journey, but it will get better!
10. It is 100% worth it!
No matter how hard our adoption journey has been at times, I always knew it was worth it. Even in my darkest valleys of post-adoption depression, I knew Brielle was meant to be our daughter. I loved her and I wanted her in our family. I just had to figure out how to work through my own feelings and be there for her. The valleys don’t last forever, and the mountaintops make it so worth it!
The Bottom Line...
I know this post was not exactly light and breezy, but I promise I didn’t write it to discourage anyone from adopting. In fact, I think more people should adopt! I know so many people who say they are not “cut out” for adoption, but in reality they would be amazing adoptive parents! My reason for writing this is to help prepare adoptive parents for what is to come. I don’t want to pretend it will be easy because it can be very difficult. I think the worst thing you can do is walk into adoption with rose-colored glasses and then be shocked when it’s not picture perfect right away. My hope is that after reading this you feel more equipped for the journey ahead. It’s not a simple journey, but it’s worth every step.
Thanks for reading/watching! If you want more adoption content, check out my youtube channel! I have a playlist with adoption videos.
-Katie
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