Life as an Enneagram Type 4

I have always been fascinated by personality types. There is something so interesting about looking at our own fears, desires, and motivations and figuring out why we do the things we do. While no personality typing system will ever be perfect (humans are pretty complex, after all), I believe that personality type studies can be extremely useful tools when it comes to understanding ourselves and those around us.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) has been my favorite typing system for several years now. I kind of have a gift of correctly guessing people’s MBTI types within just a little while of meeting them (I’m weird, I know). However, in the last couple of years I kept hearing about the Enneagram and wanted to look into it a bit. After reading a lot of resources, having conversations with friends, and taking a few tests, I decided that out of all of the 9 types on the Enneagram, I relate most to a Type 4.

To be honest, I was a little more hesitant to believe I was this type than I was to believe my MBTI type, which is the Advocate (INFJ). Once I dug into it, however, I was surprised at how this description of a Type 4 put words to some of the feelings I had my entire life but didn’t know how to express. I thought I’d summarize some of the main ways that I deeply relate to the description of the Type 4 for those of you interested!

What it’s Like to be a Type 4

1. We desire to truly know ourselves and be unique

Enneagram Type 4s, also known as “Romantics” or “Individualists” are on a constant journey of self-discovery. One of our main aims in life is to figure out who we are and why we are that way. We feel very different from others and often base our identity on being unique or “other.” Because of this, we can be very introspective and can become very engrossed in figuring ourselves out.

I think that many Fours really enjoy the Enneagram (and other personality typing systems) for this reason. We love to get to the bottom of who we are so that we can live authentically as our true selves. I also believe that, like me, many Fours have an epiphany of sorts the first time they read about their personality types. It was like our entire lives we didn’t understand why we felt so different or so misunderstood, but then we discover that there are others who think like we do. For some of us, this revelation that we are not the only ones like us is reassuring, but I’ve heard for some Fours it is crushing because they enjoy being totally unique from others.

2. We want to go deep with people

I don’t know if this applies to all Fours, but for me, the desire to get to know myself deeply also translates into a desire to get to know those around me. If you try to talk to me about politics, the weather, or a sport’s team’s recent victory, my eyes will likely start to glaze over. However, if you start talking to me about your dreams for the future, the difficult things you experienced in your childhood, or personality traits you see within yourself, I could sit and talk with you for hours on end.

Those deep, personal conversations are like food for a Four’s soul. However, this can make socializing very difficult for Fours because not many people are interested in jumping into the deep end of a conversation right away. We have to wade through a lot of small talk before getting to what we really care about. I think this is why most Fours seem to prefer to have a couple of really deep friendships over a large pool of friends.

3. Authenticity is extremely important

Because Fours are so in tune with who they are and also desire to know others on a deep and personal level, authenticity is a key value. They have very little patience with people who come across as fake or flattering, and they would hate it even more if they came across that way to others. I think this is another reason why Fours tend to dislike small talk because if you ask someone how they are, they will usually say, “Fine” even if they really aren’t. Fours would be much happier if the person answering would give an honest answer, but that’s not really how small talk goes.

In their quest for authenticity, Fours are more likely to be emotionally real with others once they trust them. We will share their feelings more candidly than most people, partially because we are more comfortable with being in touch with their emotions than most of the other types. Which brings me to my next point...

4. We feel ALL the feels

Fours are feelers. We feel emotions very keenly and actually enjoy diving into our feelings, whether they it’s joy and excitement or loneliness and despair. Friends have told me before that they love how much I am able to just truly enjoy things. Whether it’s throwing an over the top, elaborate Harry Potter party for my friends or making a paper chain to count down the days to a Disney World trip, I definitely know how to find joy in the things I love. In the same vein, Fours also know how to really be sad. When we feel sad, we don’t want to be cheered up...we want to extend that mood and go deeper into it by watching a sad movie, listening to sad music, etc. I think it’s safe to say that “wallowing” is one of our main...errrr...strengths?

While it can be bad to dive into negative feelings for no real reason, this tendency gives Fours a deep empathy for others. Because Fours explore their own emotions so deeply, they can easily imagine how another person would feel in a variety of situations. If you are going through something really difficult and need to talk to someone, find a Four. Not only will they let you share your feelings without judgement, but they will more than likely deeply empathize with you instead of trying to get you to just cheer up right away. I think this is one of the reasons I absolutely loved the movie “Inside Out”...Joy learns that it’s okay to be sad, because sometimes you need to be sad first before you can feel happy again. *sigh* Such a good movie and a true point!

5. We want to surround ourselves with beauty

As idealists, Fours love to be in aesthetically pleasing environments, whether that is nature or a beautiful space indoors. As adults, I think many Fours try to turn their home into a sanctuary for themselves to be surrounded by beauty and peace. When we bought our house, I viewed it as an empty canvas and I could not wait to design each room. Honestly, the way I decorate my house is a huge way I express myself, which is why a compliment to my decor really warms my heart.

Fours also love to express themselves through art, music, writing, photography, and even how they dress or style their hair. I don’t think you have to be an artist to be a Four, but most 4s enjoy artistic pursuits of some kind. We see beauty in so many aspects of life and may be more likely to think and speak in metaphors or other figurative language.

6. We struggle with envy

If you are familiar with the Enneagram, you know that each type has its own key weakness or sin struggle. For the type 4, it is envy. Fours view themselves as flawed and usually think that they are missing some key component in order to be happy and complete. This is what they envy in others, not their possessions or wealth. For example, a Four may tell themselves, “I would be successful too if I had a better childhood like she did” or “if I was that confident I would be happy too” or “I would definitely be as popular as her if I was that beautiful.” And so on.

There is a dichotomy at work in a Four’s desires: even though Fours love to be uniquely themselves, there is a part of them that longs to just be like everyone else. I think a key emotion Fours experience is that of longing. They long for something they can’t quite put their finger on, but they just know they are missing something and they believe everyone else already has it.

7. We feel misunderstood

“Fours are the worst personality type. They are so dramatic and moody.”

“You are a Four? Yikes...I’m sorry...no one wants to be a Four. I sure hope you are a healthy Four.”

With sentiments like that, you may see why Fours often feel misunderstood.

These are actual comments that I have heard people say to me or around me over the past few years. To be fair, the first person did not know I was a Four when they said it. While these comments weren’t devastating in any way, they also weren’t the most tactful. It’s just disappointing to me because I don’t think we should use personality typing systems to say “this type is the worst.” Sure, I could easily tell you which MBTI or Enneagram Type I find myself least compatible with, but let’s be careful not to put people in boxes. Just because you meet one Type Four who was difficult to be around doesn’t mean we all are. I think we should use personality typing systems to try to understand and empathize with others more instead of using it as a way to decide who you don’t like.

I’m off of my soap box now...however, Fours spend much of their lives feeling different than everyone around them. Many Fours feel like no one truly understands them in the same way they understand themselves. To be fair, it would be very difficult to understand a Four as well as they understand themselves considering how much they analyze their thoughts, feelings, and motivations.

When Fours feel misunderstood, they tend to look inward and focus on their inner worlds or build their identity on how different they are from others, which can be very isolating. Thankfully, as a Christian I know that there is someone who not only knows me completely, but loves me completely: God! I don’t have to turn inward and rely on myself because I am already fully known and accepted.

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always live as if that is true, but when my thoughts are in the right place, my feelings and actions usually follow.

So there you have it...a snapshot of what it's like to be an Enneagram Type 4. I am not an Enneagram expert by any means, but I thought I'd share my personal experience for those of you curious enough to read this entire post.

So what is your Enneagram Type? Tell me in the comments!

Sincerely,

Katie

PS: While this is a long blog, this is really just the tip of the iceberg about a Type 4. If you are interested in learning more about Fours or any of the other types, I recommend a few resources that I’ll link below:

The Enneagram Institute

Your Enneagram Coach (This provides a Christian perspective on the Enneagram!)

The Road Back to You (this is a book for those of you who are really dedicated to learning more about the Enneagram)