.png)
2019 has come and gone, and I’m still kind of in shock at how fast time is flying. Wasn’t it just 2010? How in the world is it 2020??
Now that I’m a mom of a toddler, time feels like even more of a precious commodity...Brielle is growing up so quickly that I feel like I’ll miss something if I even blink.
Despite the hectic nature of life (or maybe I should say because of it) I think it’s so important to stop at the end of each year and reflect on the lessons we’ve learned. From recognizing those lessons, we can look into the next year with more clarity about where God is leading us. God taught me a lot this year, and I wanted to share a bit of that journey with you!
2019: All or Nothing
This past year held so many changes for Nick and I. We went from being childless for five and a half years of marriage to be being parents of a toddler, which meant I had to learn to balance work and parenting and Nick had to transition into being a stay-at-home dad, grad student, and part time youth pastor all at once. Needless to say, this year was not without its challenges, but through those challenges God taught me some lessons I really needed to learn.
While I definitely learned a great deal about parenting, I think the biggest lesson God taught me in 2019 went a lot deeper than that. It’s a lesson that is rooting itself into every area of my life to help me grow and change for the better.
In 2019, God taught me how to let go of the “all-or-nothing” mentality that, in all honesty, has held me back from my potential for a long time.
For me, all-or-nothing thinking has looked like this:
Giving up when things get too hard
Not wanting to even try something if I can’t do it perfectly
Telling myself that I will never be able to accomplish something if it doesn’t come easily to me.
More specifically, it has looked like this:
Telling myself I was going to read my bible and pray every day for a certain amount of time. If I got off track one day I would let it derail my entire week until I was so out of the habit it was hard to start again.
Trying to be the best mom (reading all of the books, following all of the advice), just to feel like a complete failure when I got frustrated with Brielle or didn’t parent “perfectly.”
Pursuing a creative dream whole-heartedly until I couldn’t commit as much time...then I just quit completely instead of trying to find a way to have more balance.
Trying to eat healthy and exercise more often...when I had one off day I told myself I was back to my old habits and I would never change.
Honestly, I got fed up with how much this mindset of perfectionism was holding me back. I was afraid to start anything because I just knew I was going to quit at some point when I couldn’t do it perfectly. It was creating a fear in me to try new things or pursue hobbies or projects that interested me. I was even terrified to start this blog because I thought I wouldn’t follow through or that I’d give up because I knew it couldn’t be perfect. (Thankfully, I’ve proven myself wrong with that one!)
I’m never going to be perfect
I came to a point where I just realized and accepted that I’m never going to do anything perfectly, and neither is anyone else! The people I’m comparing myself to aren’t perfect either, so why am I putting so much pressure on myself? The fact that I can't be perfect doesn't mean I should give up on what I love.
I’m never going to be a perfect mother, but when I mess up I can apologize to my daughter and show her that it’s okay if she makes mistakes too.
I’m not going to be the best blogger ever, but I enjoy writing...so I’m going to keep showing up and blogging each week even if I still have a lot of room to grow.
I’m never going to stick to an overly strict diet and exercise plan, but this year I was able to make small healthy changes that have made a big difference for me.
I’m going to miss days reading my bible and praying, but that doesn’t make the days I do remember any less meaningful or life-giving.
While I still find myself slipping into this all-or-nothing mentality every now and then, I have seen SO much growth. This year I worked at trying to be as consistent as I could without punishing myself for mess-ups or times I got off track. I was patient with my own failures.
Every so often I catch myself thinking my old thoughts and I have to actually stop and say,
“I don’t have to do something perfectly to do it. One off day doesn’t derail everything. Just pick back up where you left off.”
I started 2019 feeling like a quitter. I given up on a few different committments and I just felt like I was quitting too easily. Thankfully, I can look at the second half of the year and be proud of how I chose to stick with things even when they were hard or when I just totally dropped the ball. If I had given up in pursuit of perfection, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere!
Here's the thing: God’s unfailing grace reminds me each day that no matter how frequently I fall, I can always stand back up. He’s there to help and is cheering me on. He wants me to rely on HIS perfection and not my own false sense of it. There is so much peace in that.
Focus for 2020
After what I learned in 2019, I had a very clear picture of what I wanted to focus on in 2020...I guess you could say I had 2020 vision (ba-dum-tsss...sorry, a pun presented itself and I had to run with it).
My focus word for 2020 is steadfast, which is the title of one of my favorite worship songs from the last few years.
This song, by Sandra McCracken, talks about the steadfastness of God and how we can always depend on Him and His goodness. I love that about God. As someone who often follows her emotions instead of the unwavering truth, God’s steadfastness is so comforting to me. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
Steadfast
The word steadfast has several meanings, but the definition that I want to live this year is this:
“Not changing or losing purpose, unwavering; firm in belief and determination.”
This is my hope for this year. I want to be steadfast in my pursuits instead of letting my emotions dictate my actions. Although I know there will be moments where I falter and fall short, I want to keep showing up day after day to my commitments.
By the end of 2020, I hope to see growth (not perfection) in how steadfast I am in each of these categories:
Reading scripture and praying
Healthy habits (like cooking more healthy meals at home + exercising)
Pursuing gifts and passions God has given me (writing, teaching, adoption, etc)
You see, so often I say I am going to do something, but I end up giving up when things get hard or when I don’t feel like it anymore. Not only is that unfair to those who are depending on me, but it is also unfair to myself because I often quit things I really enjoy just because they feel too hard in the moment.
As a way of holding myself accountable, I will be blogging each month about my journey towards being more steadfast. On the last Thursday of each month, I will write a post with my reflections of how the month went and a self-assessment. While this is definitely a way to keep myself in check, I really hope that by seeing me fail and try again, you will be inspired to be steadfast in whatever your goals are for the year. I think it's important to show the process and not just the result, so I'm inviting you into my messy, unorganized process. I hope you will join me!
Happy new year!
-Katie
PS: What are your goals for the year? Tell me in the comments!