You Are Not Alone: Overcoming the Post-Adoption Blues

Last week, I shared my story about post-adoption depression. A blog that I intended to write with a somewhat detached, informative tone turned into me pouring my heart out onto the page.

Most of the time, writing a blog post requires some strategy. You have to plan out what you are going to say in order for it to be effective. For last week’s blog, I ended up throwing my strategy out the window. What started as the introduction paragraph to my blog post (in which I planned to make a few personal connections) ended up becoming quite a lengthy piece of vulnerability, confession, and hope.

As afraid as I was to share those difficult emotions in such a public way, I’m so thankful I did. It is amazing how God can use one person’s vulnerability to help others open up and be vulnerable as well. I was blown away by how many people reached out to me with their own stories of fear or failure, and most had nothing to do with adoption!

This whole experience has reminded me of a beautiful truth: we are not alone in our struggles. Even when someone is facing different struggles than ours, they can still empathize with and understand us. Everyone is fighting a battle, whether big or small. You never know how letting go of your pride and opening up can give others the courage to do the same!

While my blog touched so many people who weren’t even struggling with post-adoption depression, I would like to continue with that theme in today’s post. You may have a better grasp now on what the post-adoption blues can look like, but why do they happen in the first place?

Why The Post-Adoption Blues Happen:

1. You are wondering, "What now?"

For months or years, you were building up to this big exciting moment of meeting your child, but now it’s “over.” Yes, you still have so many great experiences to look forward to with your son or daughter, but they don’t consume your life as much as waiting to meet your child for the first time and start your life as a new family.

It’s easy to get caught up in the monotony of changing diapers, making lunch, helping with homework, etc. and feel like there is now nothing really exciting to look forward to. This is especially hard if your child starts acting out all of the time and you feel trapped in what feels like a never ending cycle of attempting to love your child, being rejected, and then withdrawing. It’s easy to feel like all of the good moments are in the past, which brings me to my next point...

2. The honeymoon is over

In the first week or two of your adoptive placement, your child may have been very obedient, even surprisingly so. I know that was the case with us. We thought we had just knocked this whole toddler thing out of the park. She never got into anything, she listened when we said no, she ate all of the food we gave her, etc. Very atypical toddler behavior, but I just figured an 18 month old didn’t have enough awareness to consciously choose to be on their best behavior. Boy, was I wrong.

For most families, including mine, eventually your child starts to let their walls down a little bit. This sounds really warm and fuzzy, but what it looks like is a lot of testing of your patience. They may disobey every rule. They may hit, kick, bite, scream, and hardest of all, reject your affection. Even if you know that they are really just doing this to make sure they are safe with you, it is really easy during this phase to question your choice to adopt or your ability to parent your child.

What was I thinking? Why did I think I could handle this? I must be the worst parent ever.

3. You had unrealistic expectations of your child

Many people go into adoption with unrealistic expectations of what their adopted child will be like. They have envisioned an ideal family for a long time, and have certain expectations of what they hope their kids will be like.

I think our agency prepared us really well to not expect our kid to be perfect or even to act like an average biological kid. However, I can easily understand how having these expectations of a child who would listen, bond with you instantly, etc would be really crushing. It would definitely leave you wondering if you made the right choice or if you are cut out to be a good parent to a kid who has more needs. This can lead to feelings of isolation because no one wants to admit that to anyone.

4. You had unrealistic expectations of yourself

This one right here is what gets me the most. I had highly unrealistic expectations of the kind of parent I would be. (I think most first-time parents experience this, whether adopting or not!) I imagined myself being super patient and always keeping my cool because I would have a deep empathy for my child from knowing what they have been through. Let’s just say that when your daughter has kicked you in the ribs for the 5th time during one diaper change, empathy is not what you will feel.

Let’s be real; every parent has yelled at their child out of anger at one point or another. Every parent has made a poor choice in how to discipline a child for something they have done. If you realize that everyone makes these mistakes, you will have more grace for yourself when you inevitably do something wrong. However, if you are expecting yourself to be perfect, you will beat yourself up for not living up to your ideals. That’s a dangerous way to think because it really leaves you feeling like you are incapable of being a good parent.

5. You want to prove you are a good parent

People who are experiencing the post-adoption blues often say they feel isolated. The biggest reason is because they feel like they can’t talk to anyone about the negative feelings they are experiencing after adopting. Many are worried that their friends and family will think they are ungrateful for their child. They may worry people will say, “I thought this is what you wanted! Why aren’t you happy?” and they won’t have an answer, because they don’t know why the aren’t as happy as they had imagined.

There could also be a worry that you will be met with a dreaded “I told you so,” from a friend or family member who didn’t think you should adopt in the first place. Many adoptive parents feel this need to prove themselves not only to the naysayers, but to everyone. You often don’t feel like a “real parent” in the first few months of adoption, so the thought of telling someone that you are questioning everything about yourself, your parenting, and possibly your adoption, does not sound appealing.

6. You lack solid community

This feeling of isolation in post-adoption depression usually comes along because the adoptive parents lack support from a community. Usually they are desiring for a physical, emotional, or spiritual need to be met. Unfortunately, some adoptive parents don’t have people in their lives who are able to meet those needs for them. I’m thankful to say that this was not a reason I struggled with the post-adoption blues, but I know that good community is hard to come by.

Adoptive families need a lot of support, especially in those first few months. (There’s a reason why we chose “It Takes a Village” as the quote on our adoption fundraiser shirts!) They need people to bring over meals. They need someone to babysit once in a while so they don’t go crazy. They need friends who will let them share what’s on their hearts without judgement.They need to talk to other adoptive families about what is happening in their family. If your family doesn’t have this support, you may feel like you are totally alone and struggling to stay afloat.

Now that we know what post-adoption blues are and why we experience them, what can we do to cope with these feelings?

1. Prioritize sleep:

This one sounds so simple, but one of the biggest signs of post-adoption depression is exhaustion. It is tempting to stay up late to get “alone time” away from your child once they go to bed. However, you need that sleep to be able to show up and parent well the next day!

2. Talk to someone:

Ideally, you will know other adoptive or foster parents you can talk to about your struggles after adopting. An adoption support group would be an awesome resource if there is one in your area. If not, find a friend who you trust and let them know how you feel. You will be surprised at how empathetic people can be even if they’ve never adopted. Also, don’t be afraid to find online communities. There are so many great ways to connect with others going through a similar experience as you.

3. Keep open communication with your spouse:

If you are married, find a time either once a week, or more ideally, each day to check in with your spouse. Ask them how they are doing with the adoption and let them ask you the same. Be open about your feelings and how you can support one another. Get on the same page about how you are handling situations with your child. This isn’t just good for your marriage, but also good for your child! You need to be on the same team.

4. Take time away from your child:

Everyone talks about how important it is to spend time with your child after you adopt, but not enough people talk about how it is equally important to get time away from your child. Everyone needs a break, and so do you. Get a babysitter and go out on a date every now and then. Figure out a system with your spouse where you can each take a few hours once a week to go to a coffee shop or out with a friend.

5. Pray: This one may seem too obvious or cliche to some, but prayer really did help me during my experience with the post-adoption blues. I prayed openly and honestly with God, telling him my struggles and my thoughts that felt so shameful. He was the one I could turn to when I feared no one else would understand. Opening up to Him helped me open up to others. I also found that when I prayed I found reasons to be thankful despite how difficult those days felt. You might be avoiding talking to God out of your shame, but He already knows all. He wants you to talk to him openly...and perhaps through praying to this extremely merciful and loving God, you will have more grace for yourself when you feel like a failure as a parent.

6. Seek Help from a Professional:

If you are struggling with depressive symptoms that don’t seem to be going away, do not hesitate to reach out for professional help. Adoption is a beautiful, but difficult road to walk. You don’t have to walk it alone.

Here’s the truth: adoption begins with loss and brokenness.

It is only natural that the sadness your child is experiencing from that lost will affect you in some way, even if you are thankful for and love your child. It affects some of us more than others, and that is okay. Reach out to someone and you will quickly realize you are not alone, just as I realized last week when I shared my story.

Once again, if you are someone who is experiencing post-adoption depression, please feel free to reach out to me through the comments or directly on Instagram (@lacasadekatie) or facebook. I’m happy to be a listening ear or to offer encouragement!

Love,

Katie

PS: Have you experienced post-adoption depression (or just depression in general)? If so, what are some coping strategies that have worked for you? Tell me in the comments.